"Abundance and gratitude will fill the day as you begin to see more positive changes coming into view."
this was part of my horoscope for today. needless to say, it was WAY off.
positive changes. i need a positive change right now like you can't even imagine. you just don't know what's going on in my head right now. it's heavy.
lately... i've been thinking. hoping. and amazingly, even praying. that this will be the year. this year or next, for sure. but this year... i need it to be this year. i need some good news so bad it hurts. and for it to be this year, would be the best news anyone could give me. i have waited five years after all. i don't know how much more of it i can take.
last night... damn. my dreams. they taunt me at times. i think i dreamt about derrick all night long. at least it felt like it. i usually don't dream like that. where it's the same theme or person all night long. normally my dreams are all over the place. but the past few nights have been wicked strange. last night was just cruel. moreso than ever, i've been thinking of my choices in friends. who has been good to me and who has been shit. well, thanks to david, derrick is no longer an option. for that i will never forgive him. and never really have i found someone so fucking devoted to me since him. i deserve it though. i did hurt him after all. forced by david, but still, it was my fault that i was a spineless twit. so, i guess now... i think this is the universe paying me back for what i did. by sending me a person who indulges in hurting me. heh. it's funny, i can't believe it never occured to me before. but it does make sense, yes? i am a big believer in karma. and this is mainly why i am so fucking sickeningly honest now and good to people. i constantly am trying to make up for what i did to my friends those few years ago. because i was weak. and because i let another control me, i lost the people that meant the most to me. i guess now i am so fucking scared of something like this happening again, i have to swuueze them and keep them near. doesn't always work though. as i have found out. anyway... i realize most of this will not make a lick of sense to some. pre david people will know. post david, won't know what the fuck is going on. whatever. i don't want to get into it. it's too hard. just know that i fucked up. and because of that, i literally will be paying my whole life, with the loss of possibly the best man i ever had in my life. i can't... think about this. it's way too fucking sad. you wouldn't believe how bad i was when i woke up today. somewhere someone was laughing, i'm sure. the thing is, no matter how much i want to make things right. or say i'm sorry. sorry doesn't mean shit here. especially when the person won't even let me say it. things can get to a point where it is just too late to say i'm sorry. it won't mean anything after a certain point. and i wish i would have seen it, and that i could make another see that now. but i can't. sometimes you have to learn how to put value on someone other than yourself. if not, then you are just hollow and alone. i wish i could get past this. everything. all of it. is it possible for one person to have so much baggage that they simply cannot function properly? i need to come clean. likely, not here, because it would be long, draining, and way too personal to have others read my shit. however, if anyone's got any ideas on how i can right myself with the universe, please do let me know. i need it to let me get on with my life already.
to get back to the other. i feel it. they are going to tell him this year. i don't know if i know it, or if i just want to know it. i need to feel like something good will happen to me. and soon. or else things are going to get very dark, very quick.
