i'm just a glutton for fucking punishment.
i love igby goes down. it has so many great lines that are applicable to life. such as the previous one. as well as "i'm drowning in assholes." often, i think that. especially lately. it's been a real bad time lately, i guess you could say. i've seen the bad side of too many different people anyway.
so, i know i've definitely been bitchy recently. but i don't care. if you people had even half an idea of the shit on my mind lately you'd see things a lot differently.
i did it again last night. i can't stop having fucking dreams with derrick in them. goddammit. i wish there was some way to ensure i didn't dream at all. only sleep. i am being completely serious when i say this. waking up lately has been the most depressing thing in the world and i don't know how much longer i can take this kind of punishment. my life is a succession of people saying goodbye. yes. thank you morrissey.
it's funny, i was so quick to rid my life of someone who was so fucking devoted and kind to me, yet i can't bear the idea of erasing someone who calls me stupid and retarded and acts like he hates me. why do i put up with this shit. WHY. i guess it's hard for me to believe that this side, is real. i know isn't right. no one can truly be this cruel. maybe i'm still clinging to the hope that the side that was nice to me, SAID he cared, and gave me advice will return. but maybe that was the part that was the lie. guys will do anything if they think it will make you want to fuck them. won't they.
it's one thing to know you're being used. but to hear it in words, i guess is something else. it feels very strange, and makes the whole thing very not cool. no one is worth making you feel like shit about yourself. especially when you know there are people out there who appreciate you for the friend you are. it just helps to hear it every now and then, you know?
shit. i talked to jared tonight too. yeah. THAT one. it's like today was the day of being taunted by the ones i fell in love with. those two. i mean, damn. we just can't seem to get it together, he and i.
our heater decided to stop working today. heh. why not?
get this. my social worker... she's trying to talk me into doing this thing in the spring. god. i would have to talk to a group of strangers about what it "was like" to basically lose a baby to someone else. oh sure, where do i sign up for THAT. but. i am doing it. of course, i'm not thinking yet about the sheer impossibility of not completely losing while i talk to these people, but let's no go there yet. i am truly a stoopid girl. the kind you spell with two o's. yes. but here is the best part.... you ready for it? then she proceeds to ask me how my ex is doing with losing his grandfather (david's grandad recently died) and his girlfriend. ?? the absurdity of that one made me laugh a little. our poor social worker, she's not known us long. should i explain to her that his lying druggie whore of an off again on again fling is the direct reason our relationship ended in the first place? and that she was *sixteen* when this happened. AND that she lived in fucking missouri? AND that they met on the "internet" of all places? why, yes. i think i should mention some of this to her. if only so she knows NEVER to bring it up again.
you can tell it's still a very sore spot for me. i remember once after we split david and i were arguing (we are PROS) and he called me a bitch, like always. and i finally had a great comeback. "yes, and you made me what i am." which, looking back, i realize WAS a pretty bitchy thing to say. but it's actually true. for good or ill, i would not be who i am or where i am today if not for him.
it's funny if you think about the choices me make. you wonder if they really will matter in the long run. well, here's my little run down of my life, which most people who know me now may not realize. had it not been for david forcing me to go to wsu and not my other pick for college (this place in chicago with an amazing music program) this is what would be different in my life: everything. i'd not have moved in with him and been in the most miserably abusive relationship to date. we may have actually gotten married if our relationship would have been put off as a result of me being elsewhere. i'd not have found out about his mental and anger issues. i wouldn't be majoring in what i am, because i would have done the music thing at depaul. and loved it. because of the major thing, i wouldn't have ANY of the friends i do now. no jason, no gab either. possibly... no Blake. god. no leslie. but god, no boss. i wouldn't have the job that i do. i wouldn't be doing if not for david. wouldn't live where i do. i would be a different person. (even more of a doormat than i already am. which is hard to believe) my son, would not be the person that he is today. in fact he'd not exist. and that little bit right there makes the whole thing valid. wouldn't you say? i would still do it again, if only for him. always for him.
so see kiddies... little things do, matter. choices you make do matter. the way you treat people... it matters. i really see that everything is connected. in some weird way, the universe is connected and we all are entertwined within it. i wish people would remember that when they hurt other people, it will come back to get you in the end. just because it might feel empowering to write someone out of your life now, eventually you will feel the cold sting of that emptiness they left. i am certainly one who knows that. if only people would believe me.
this is so long. i feel somewhat guilty about getting it out there. i've been kind of on edge lately. about thsi sort of thing. the whole... being open. if i go back to that old keeping it in bullshit though i'd snap. imagine all this shit i say... imagine the time before i had this. i enver told people this shit. would you believe once someone read my palm and told me i was going to have a nervous breakdown? oh yeah. i freaked. as much as it feels weird to write this shit in a visible venue, sometimes, i have to. i know it's the thing keeping me teetering on that fine edge of insanity. leeping me from plunging right on in anyway.
something's got to happen though. i'm in this funk. a bad one. it's like the whole year since the summer has been nothing but one betrayal from one person or another. people who should have actually been friends. never have i felt so empty as i did when i woke up this morning. this is why i need something, i think. it's getting to me now in a way it never did before. i can actually feel myself losing it. whee. heh.
i really don't want to go to my parent's tomorrow. with the way things are going, i'll unintentionally be snippy with someone. tonight my dad called right as someone started saying all kinds of mean shit to me. this made the phone call rather unpleasant and i know i was less than nice. i was hoping it would snow all day today too, so as to rule out any sort of attempt at a come and get me mission. but no. we only got a lousy 16 inches, apparently. the news happens to be on and this is how i know this figure. although i suspect since my parent's have much more. they live in the country. they always get more of everything we do. oh yes, AND it will be in the negative digits. just what i wanted to hear.
I am chatty tonight. blame it on Blake. he's nowhere to be seen.
there is nothing wrong with being selfish. i'd much prefer being selfish to being so self centered that you don't even care when you hurt someone.
in closing... i will only say that everyone must get rufus wainwright's newest album. now. go now and get it. and unlike what a certain someone says, you need to be even a little bit gay to like him. NO YOU DON'T. There was actually lots of good music this year. the year of indie. i'm compiling a tribute to 2004 cd right now. i have to take something to listen to at the unit's house after all. it shall be the best mix of music. ever. i take mixed cd's very seriously. tis an art. there is a certain formula that must be followed. (insert rant from high fidelity) if anyone wants a copy, do let me know.
"The mind has so many pictures
Why can't I sleep with my eyes open
The mind has so many memories
Can you remember what it looks like when I cry
I'm Trying, trying to tell you
All that I can in a
sweet and velvet tongue
But no words ever could sell you
Sell you on me
after all that I have done"
yeah rufus. yeah. from your lips to d's ears.
