"he only has one ball and I have a lazy ovary, in what TWISTED world does that create a baby?"
the speculum is not your friend. when someone tells you, you'll only feel a little pressure... tell them to go to hell. Let's shove it up your ass and feel a "little" pressure, eh you cunt? yeah. it's one thing to start my day with that. and then get a fucking shot, simply because i made the mistake of living on campus... but then to be chastized like a fucking high schooler about sex partners; well. this was just not a very good day indeed. i mean, it's not like i've slept with hundreds of people or that it's even any of her damn business. however, i've got another year's worth or the pills that i like to call "piece of mind" so i guess that makes it worth it. little bit of pressure, MY ASS.
the gyno office is evil. while you're laying there cold, naked, waiting to be poked and prodded with lots of mean looking things; directly in front of you there is this chart. very large, and completely impossible to miss. i'm guessing it's to discourage people from going out and fucking everyone they see. and this is why i think this: it's got various numbers. of, say, how many people you've slept with. then it gives you an average of how many people you are actually "exposed" to, and thus all the thousands of nifty little nasty diseases that come with them. it starts out pretty harmless... sleep with one person, you're exposed to one person. (which, incidentally makes no sense, because even if you've only slept with one person, what if that one person happens to be ron jeremy? you get my point?) sleep with five people, and you're lucky enough to be exposed to 31. oh wait. it gets better. sleep with 12 people and you will be exposed to FOUR THOUSAND AND NINETY FIVE other damn people. and that's not the end of it. i just don't remember all the numbers. fyi, no, i did not make that up. i sat there, pondering that, thinking, damn. that's not at all good. this is the point when the very irish catholic nurse practitioner comes in, notices me noticing her strategically placed chart, and says, so where do YOU fall in on the cart there? and i said, well, it's a lot worse than i ever would have thought actually. that thing is really scary to think about. she says: "that is why i put it there. to make you people think about what you've done." ?!?!?!?! how DARE she. that holier than thou bull shit elitist attitude does not make me want to stop sleeping with people. it makes me want to screw someone on her fucking desk. however, that god damn chart, on the other hand, has me petrified to no end. which leads me to a very important life altering decision. from here on out, i am only sleeping with virgins. no, really. i might get a bunch of guys who are bad lovers, but hey, i've been finding those with no problem as it is. at least this way i'll know they are clean. :)
